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noamjen

Noam Jen Nov
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Well, the last journal entry is from over 2 years ago. Wow!

I managed to go to England, hate my job, love the place, come back to Israel, get a job, visit England twice, Germany twice, Holland one, see so many great bands live, meet new people from all over the place and still feel like I'm stuck.

So thanks to insomnia and boredom I have found the time to update my dev page... Probably won't be able to stick to it, like always but it is still nice to think someone might read what I write or see the pics I took.

Happy new year everyone!

Noam Jen
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... that's the title of a very known song here in Israel.
London isn't waiting for me, I'll be alone there too.

Less then a month from now the one dream that I have consistent about since ever, the one thing I never changed my mind about, never stopped hoping for is finally going to come true - I'm gonna leave Israel and move to England.

I think it's needless to say how scared I am - terrified (I don't even know how to spell that word!). I have a place to live for the first three months, and a more-then-less guaranteed job for that same duration. It's all completely legal, and like I said I've been dreaming about this moment for so long - but I panic now and I don't wanna lose this chance.

I really really don't.
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Only not really, but I can *smell* the end, that's for sure.

is less then 6 month I'll be a free woman at last. School, high-school, civic-service - check, check and double check.

I was the girl who always knew what she'll do when she grow up and changed it every two days, but still I always knew where I was going to - most of my childhood I was a future lawyer, until I realised that as far as I can be from doing justice; then I was gonna be a poet, but realised I hated poetry; then a scriptwriter, until I decided I don't wanna broke my whole life, then a photographer - but I don't wanna be broke now either, then a teacher (cause I'm a masochist), then a professor (cause I'm an even bigger one), then a film/music/TV/politics critic - cause, lets face it, I'm doing it anyway...

And now, I wanna be all of that (except the lawyer, cause you know - that's icky!) and I don't know what to do.

I'll be 22 when I'll start learning, no matter what it'll be. Most of my peers in other parts of the planets would already be out of uni with a degree in their hands, most people my age in my own country would be at list one year two years into their studies.
And that is before I think about taking a year to work....

The world is moving and I am left behind, and I didn't even know where I wanna go - I wanna go everywhere! I know I can be good at all of those jobs, and I could enjoy and feel good in all of them, and none of them has a secure future - so what do I do?

What do I do?
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Inside 1984

3 min read
Today, I felt like I'm living inside Owell's 1984.

I woke up at 11am, my brother came home for about three hours then left with my mom and they won't be back until about 9pm.
I talked to a friend over the phone for not more then 15 minutes and been alone all the others minutes, seconds, in between.

any I know that the way it is for more people, especially those who have weekdays off every now and then like I do.
But still - sometimes I'd rather be with people who irritates me then to be alone.

The world is so cold and alienated, and I feel it with every aching bond and muscle in my body when I'm alone. It's harder to breath harder not to think dark thought, harder to not remember things I'm trying so hard to forget.
Hard to convince myself this would pass, tomorrow I'll go back to work and people who love me and appreciate me. People I can tell everything and they would still be there by my side. It's a lot easier to believe that it will always be like this - I'll always be lonely, cause no matter where I'll be I'll have to be by myself from time to time.

I used to love those times. And actually, it it wasn't the hottest day since last summer I might have gone out side for a while, cause outside you're never really alone. Only in the grayness of four walls do you feel like there is no hope for something ells. There will always be walls, always people inside them would be more happy then you are more fortunate then you are. Always there would have been something you should have done, shouldn't have too.

So right now I'm stuck in a world too years before my time had even started. and it's cold and dark and alone and lonely and I hate it and why do people say they are happy in they summer? Winter makes you feel alive makes you know thing can change yesterday there was rain tomorrow there's a rainbow, summer is always hot and people always expect you to be happy. in winter you are allowed to be sad, and allowed to like it too.

in winter - you are allowed to ramble like this and have it considered art, or prose, or poetry. Not the rambling of a lonely English-impaired girl on a day that is too hot and too cold all together.

In winter, someone, maybe even you,  would have read this
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כשהיית קודם פה
לא יכולתי להסתכל
עינייך מלאכים
עורך מחשמל
אתה צף כה בנחת
בשקט שלך
הלוואי ויכולתי
להיות כמותך

אבל אני חלאה
כלל לא מיוחדת
מה אני עושה פה?
אני לא שייכת

ולא אכפת לי שיכאב
אני רק רוצה שליטה
אני רוצה גוף מושלם
וגם נשמה
אני רוצה שתבחין
כשאני לא בסביבה
אני רוצה להיות אחרת
אני רוצה להיות כמותך!

אבל אני חלאה
כלל לא מיוחדת
למה אני עדיין כאן?
אני לא שייכת

היא רצה רחוק ממך
היא רצה רחוק
ממך, ממך, ממך, ממך

כל מה שתבקש
כל דבר שתגיד
אתה כה מיוחד
אני כמו כל האחרים

אני חלאה
כלל לא מיוחדת
למה אני עדיין כאן?
אני לא שייכת, אני לא שייכת

---
למי שלא קלט עדיין, זה תרגום (רעיוני יותר ממילולי) של
Creep
חשבתי עליו סתם ככה, ונראה לי נחמד. כבר הרבה זמן חשבתי לתרגם שירים סתם כי אני אוהבת שירים.
חברה שלי רוצה להקליט דיסק, נראה לי שאני אציעה לה את השיר הזה.

אני לא יודעת למה אני שמה את זה פה ולא כיצירה ממש.
אני לא יודעת למה אני כותבת בעברית
אני לא יודעת למה אני עושה כל דבר בזמן האחרון...

ביי
נועם
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Featured

Time really flies.... by noamjen, journal

London isn't waiting for me... by noamjen, journal

This is the end! (Well, kinda...) by noamjen, journal

Inside 1984 by noamjen, journal

Devious Journal Entry by noamjen, journal